I think I've always known that I think lower of myself than what I know I actually am, but as of now it's really kinda hit me. How I've always felt that I'm not good enough. Never good enough, no matter what I do or how hard I try. My best will never suffice. I'll always come up short.
I'm going to be a bit self-centered for a moment. For the most part, I think I'm a pretty awesome person (just ask me.) I excel at WHATEVER I decide to be good at, so I consider myself a very well-rounded, "complete package" type girl. And if I'm not, I can be within little to no time at all.
But the higher they fly, the harder they fall.
While I'm most certainly not going to put the blame on anyone but myself for this mindset, I think I've got a few explanations for why I think negatively of myself the way I do.
I've got a motto, of which dear Dad has pounded into my head countless time upon time: "If you're going to do something, you do it once, and you do it right."
I like to push that to the extreme a little. "If you're going to do something, you do it once, and you do it better than 95% of everyone else."
I'm an overachiever, a very much blow-it-out-of-the-water get-it-done person, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's what helps me be good at whatever I want to be good at.
It also makes my failures feel worse than what they actually are ("failures" being a very loose term. The definition I'm using here is "when I don't meet my own unrealistically high expectations for myself.")
I know I'm not the only one ever in the world with the problem of expecting a lot of themselves (possibly too much), but feeling inadequate is still a very lonesome feeling.
And with me now attempting to juggle school (which I'm absolutely drowning in), work, friends, Theatre, family, and everything in between, I'm going to become very familiar with this feeling of inadequacy.
Looking on the bright side (see? Optimistic Bri is still there), maybe a lesson of humility for me is in order. That maybe it's ok for me to not be the best at everything. I don't need to strive for perfection. I don't need to be the best of everyone. I just need to be the best of me.
I know I'll get out of this what I need to. We'll just have to see what happens.
