Always Moving Forward

Wow! It's been a long time.

Lots of things for me have changed in the year I've been gone. Another school year is approaching, I've grown and matured in many different ways I think, and most recently, I've loved and lost. 

That one's hard for me right now. I know as a teenager it's a common problem, but after nine months with this guy it's a hard new reality to face. Why things ended, I'd rather keep confidential, but there were problems that ended up spiraling out of control, so we ended it. We're both not quite sure how to cope right now, but at the very least we've decided that space is a good thing.

And so, whether or not we want it to, life continues to go on. 

I like to see this whole ordeal as a tree you watch pass your car on a road trip: it comes quickly, passes quickly, but you can still see it for a little while if you look back. But while you're looking back, other trees are passing you by, and some may be grander than the one you're focusing on.

But do you know that? Nope! You're still worried about the tree that passed by a long time ago. There's no going back to it, the only direction the car moves is forward. You can worry about that tree all you want, but it's gone. And so therefore the most you can do is continue to look forward. Who knows? There are plenty of other trees to see, and some may be even better and more beautiful than the one you wasted so much time missing. 

That's the allegory I'm living by right now (The Parable of the Passing Tree... I like it!) I can be as worried about this broken relationship as I want. But while I'm looking back, other, more beautiful things, may be passing me by. There's nothing I can do to go back. Maybe someday in the future him and I could try again, but what's happened is now written in stone, and there's nothing I can do to change any of that.

So why should I worry? Why should I look back at something I can't change, when I have so much new future to write out, so many more beautiful trees to see (so to speak, referring back to my parable)? There is so much more to life that I can look forward to, so much so that, yeah, maybe it'll be hard for me to not look back for a little while, but it shouldn't keep me from looking towards all the wonderful things that come my way for long.

It's going to be hard for a while, but nonetheless. The car of life moves forward, and so the most we can do is love and appreciate the trees while we can, and love the new ones that come our way. 

Even The Best Fall Down Sometimes

It's around this time of night (considering I'm still up) when I really think. Not just "Oh I should do/start/finish this" type think, but actually contemplating life and coming to terms with my life and what's going on in it, and reflecting on myself, as a person, and who I am.

I think I've always known that I think lower of myself than what I know I actually am, but as of now it's really kinda hit me. How I've always felt that I'm not good enough. Never good enough, no matter what I do or how hard I try. My best will never suffice. I'll always come up short.

I'm going to be a bit self-centered for a moment. For the most part, I think I'm a pretty awesome person (just ask me.) I excel at WHATEVER I decide to be good at, so I consider myself a very well-rounded, "complete package" type girl. And if I'm not, I can be within little to no time at all.

But the higher they fly, the harder they fall.

While I'm most certainly not going to put the blame on anyone but myself for this mindset, I think I've got a few explanations for why I think negatively of myself the way I do.

I've got a motto, of which dear Dad has pounded into my head countless time upon time: "If you're going to do something, you do it once, and you do it right."
I like to push that to the extreme a little. "If you're going to do something, you do it once, and you do it better than 95% of everyone else."
I'm an overachiever, a very much blow-it-out-of-the-water get-it-done person, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's what helps me be good at whatever I want to be good at.

It also makes my failures feel worse than what they actually are ("failures" being a very loose term. The definition I'm using here is "when I don't meet my own unrealistically high expectations for myself.")

I know I'm not the only one ever in the world with the problem of expecting a lot of themselves (possibly too much), but feeling inadequate is still a very lonesome feeling.

And with me now attempting to juggle school (which I'm absolutely drowning in), work, friends, Theatre, family, and everything in between, I'm going to become very familiar with this feeling of inadequacy.

Looking on the bright side (see? Optimistic Bri is still there), maybe a lesson of humility for me is in order. That maybe it's ok for me to not be the best at everything. I don't need to strive for perfection. I don't need to be the best of everyone. I just need to be the best of me.

I know I'll get out of this what I need to. We'll just have to see what happens.

Let's Try This Again

Ok.

I've used this blog for, really, a useless reason. It's been stuffed full of drama crap that I'd really rather not recall.

So, I'm going to try and stay true to the name of this blog, and attempt to talk about the life of someone who's attempting to do it all.

Let's see how it goes.